PSA: You are *NOT* Alone



Okay lovelies…now I kinda tend to stay away from long, overly formal posts about *MY* life. Because, ya know, let’s face it…you come for the fandom stuff. And that’s perfectly fine-that’s the whole point of this blog after all! But the great thing about fandom in general is the community part of it. And lately…well, yeah lemme explain more below.


First off, let me say I suck at following ‘weeks’. You know like ‘Red Ribbon Week’ or ‘Mental Health Awareness Week’, etc. But lately I’ve had…sheesh probably 4-5 authors update with explanations about why they haven’t updated lately…and it’s because of something really close to me.

A few said that they were dealing with horrid depression, one was seasonal affect disorder (which can be mild or severe or anywhere in between) and one actually tried to kill herself for the second time. And this is just from the small group that I have gotten updates on in the last week or so.

So-from me to you-YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  (This is where the hideously long and probably way too informative comes in-feel free to bail out now.)

I know about depression-I’ve dealt with it for years and years and years. I’ve had bulimia and anorexia…check out these pics below and you’ll see what I’m talking about. And I apologize in advance for the crappy quality-I took these with my phone cause my scanner absolutely loathes me.IMG_7012.JPGThis was the start of when it got bad. I was probably about 100 lbs here. At this point, I heard that the standard of ‘beauty’ was to be 100 lbs at 5’4″ and subtract 5 lbs for every inch under that. I’m 5’2″.

IMG_7014.JPGHere I’d reached my goal…you can see how tiny my arms were…and that dress, which billowed around me quite a lot…was a size 2. And I have other pictures from this time where I was convinced I was completely obese.

IMG_7016.JPGThis pic and the one under it are some of the only pics I have from when it got bad. And it got so much worse than this. I was about 80 lbs here. My lowest-that I know of, because I stopped getting on the scale-was 67 lbs.


IMG_7013.JPGThis was after the worst of it. I was in college and slowly getting my weight up…I was probably about 105 here…those jeans are a size 2 and the top shirt is an XS. Just for reference. 

I’m happy to say that I’m as recovered as I’ll probably ever get-there is no real and true *recovery* from an eating disorder…it sticks with you all your life in one form or another. But you can overcome it.

And don’t even get me started on depression. I hated high school, lemme just say. You could not pay me enough to EVER spend another day in high school. Seriously. Let me chronicle my high school years in terms of why I was depressed.

*Teased mercilessly and left behind by every single friend I had in middle school because my mom was no longer their teacher and therefore they didn’t have to pretend to be my friends anymore. (Yes, they actually said that.)
*Super overprotective mom who never ever let me do anything.
*Raped @ 14 by the only boy my mom approved of…a good, upstanding Christian boy she was convinced I’d marry
*Oh and did I mention that was when I lost my virginity as well?!
*Mom kicked me out of her house @ 17, went to live with my dad
*Looooooong battle with mom, who eventually told me that because I wasn’t blood related that I was expendable (Yes, I’m adopted.)
*Eating disorder starting at 16. Bulimia until I eroded my esophagus to the point where I was vomiting blood. Then abusing laxatives and ipecac.
*Turned to anorexia just before I turned 17. Abusing diet pills, nearly gave myself a stroke.
*Somewhere in there I started cutting. Wrists, ankles, stomach-anywhere I could hide it.
*Not one, not two, but THREE suicide attempts. (No, I will not say how because I’m not giving anyone ideas and obviously I sucked at it since I’m typing this now.)
*Mentally and verbally abusive boyfriend my last two years, which was partly the reason everything got so bad.

There’s more I’m sure and I’ve only touched on some things. But my point is…I know. I know how you feel. I may not know exactly what you’re going through but I understand where you’re coming from. That hopelessness that people who haven’t been there just don’t understand. It tears you apart and drags you down until you can’t even see the light anymore.

I know.

And-this is the important part-you’re not alone. I was lucky enough to have a friend to help me…my one true friend in that whole time. She stuck her finger down my throat to make me purge the pills I OD’ed on. She listened when I needed to vent or cry and she stuck up for me when no one else would.

But I know some people don’t even have that one person. So I implore you…even if it’s reaching out to a random stranger on the internet, please do. Before you make any drastic decisions, please at least try. I know I for one am always here for anyone. There’s a whole slew of ways to get in touch with me and I am more than happy to listen to anyone about anything.

You are more than welcome to email me (, shoot me a pm on, ask box me on tumblr, tweet me…absolutely anything. And I will respond. This I promise.

There are tons of resources out there for you and if you don’t have the will to look, please at least let me. I’m so tired of people in the fandom universe being beaten down and abused…because you are all awesome.

That’s part of the reason I run this blog…because this community and the fandoms I’m a part of are the best in the world. Other fandoms are equally as awesome. And every person in them deserves love and respect.

So yeah, now that I’ve been completely waaaaaaaaaaaay too open and honest I’ll leave you with this parting thought.

It gets better, but you have to be willing to weather the storm. If nothing else, I’m living proof. :) I love you all and I couldn’t imagine a better group of people to share my time with.


23 thoughts on “PSA: You are *NOT* Alone

  1. We love you, honey. Fuck the fake friends, fuck your mom, fuck the rapist, fuck the demons – YOU are the one who matters. <3

    (And hell yeah, it DOES get better. It's never perfect, but the sun will shine again.)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Hello,
    I too suffered an eating disorder – anorexia nervosa. I lost so much weight and nearly died. I too self harmed, and still face depression. I suffer ill affects still today as a result of losing so much weight. I have already been told I may not be able to have babies and children in the future. I was told I should have died, yet I fought.
    I suffer extreme depression, low self esteem, etc. When I had the eating disorder, all my so called friends abandoned me. The only ones I have now are my Mum, Dad and Brother – but also friends I have made on fanfiction and writers such as yourself.
    I am so so sorry for what you had. It sounds like hell, and I know because I too have been there. But we are strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yup i was told i couldnt have kids as well-obviously tey were wrong in my case. But yeah-im so glad youre doing better darlin! And youre right-we are strong. :)


      1. Yeah i was. I never really got *help*. Like i said i had my one friend. But i am also very thankful for your family! :) and you take care too!!


  3. Hugs dear.
    Depression is a sneaky sucker. And the whole building self esteem is a pain in the arse. And both of them together makes it fun!

    So glad that you have been able to find yourself and build a happy life!!

    Hugs hugs hugs and more hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You’re amazing for sharing your history with us. The fact you are here proves how much strength you’ve got, and I am so happy to see you happy and healthy today.
    I know far too much about depression, being suicidal, and abuse from a significant other. I’ve survived all of that, too. Sometimes I don’t know how I did, but I remind myself all the time that I am a pillar of strength as well, just for making it through.
    The more open and honest we are about the struggles we’ve gone through, the more we help the people who are suffering.
    So thank you my dear for being you. I echo your sentiment. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
    xoxo Keri

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Kelpie darlin, I can’t even begin to tell you how glad I am that you are still here with us! I agree with everything that has already been said, and I want to go on the record as saying that once again, I completely agree with Karen!! You and my kiddos, cause lets face it, you may have birthed them, but Auntie Rissa has long since claimed them, you guys are such a bright spot in my days, and this world would be a much sadder place without you in it!! So even though we haven’t “met” yet (I still believe we will, and you will teach me to cook) you my dear are important to me and a true friend!!! So thanks for sharing your story with us, and hopefully it has the power to touch that person in need, when the need arises. You are strong and amazeballs and you ducking rock my socks!!!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Reblogged this on Kittyinaz and commented:
    This is just too important a message to put on my reblog page. So I am sharing it on Kittyinaz, but you cannot read more on my site, you will need to go to Kelpie’s site to read the whole thing.
    I understand the depression, not to the limit of Kelpie, but I DO understand it. I have lucked out on having Kelpie and the rest of my kick ass group of Betas who have become more than betas. They have helped me out, especially at my really low point last year. I really could find little to enjoy in life, since it seemed life had quit on me. Things kept piling on me, some I never let my ladies know on, cause I felt like I burdened them already with my mess of a life. In fact some of it got aired out for the first time today with my parents. So please.. Reach out if you need it. I try to be available, but things happen. But if I am online, reach out and I will be there for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Also, please always ALWAYS keep in mind that depression is a lying, malicious bastard. The problem, however, is that it sounds exactly like your own voice and that makes it so hard to tell the difference.

    Just keep in mind that, NO MATTER WHAT, you are worth miracles, babe – MIRACLES. You are strong, intelligent, beautiful, an awesome mom, gracious, sweet, witty, brilliant, fun, daring, ambitious, rotten :D and all the best things in the world.

    You are worth MIRACLES. ♥

    Liked by 1 person

  8. You are amazing and so brave for both overcoming your battles and sharing your trials with us. Thank you! I’m sending a big squench your way. 😊

    Liked by 1 person

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