I hate moving. Like seriously, I’d rather drown myself in lighter fluid and light a book of matches type of hate.
To top it off, my sister chose the shittiest little backwater town to move to. Bon Temps-good times my ass! There was nothing here. There were some houses that had seen better days a few centuries ago, a bar…and not much else.
Thankfully there were also a couple towns not too far away. Far enough away to be inconvenient, but not far enough away to be a deal breaker.
I hate moving.
And I especially hate it when my sister decides that she absolutely HAS to check out the designer options in little towns with no market for designer clothes ten minutes after we officially move in. Seriously, what does she think she’s going to find?
Did I mention that I HATE MOVING?!?
So, that’s what brought me to Shreveport at 11 in the morning on a Wednesday. I figured I might as well explore the neighboring towns. We passed open fields, fences in disrepair, a barn that looked like a light breeze might blow it over, cows who didn’t have the sense to escape the gaping fence and-my favorite-a man wearing overalls, no shirt, and driving his tractor at about 5 miles per hour. Good lord, there was hardly anything here! The one boutique in town-Witchy Kitschy, whatever the hell kind of pun that was-was thankfully situated in a strip mall, although the pickings were slim in places I’d actually like to go.
My choices included the boutique (and I was NOT following my sister in there-no desire to be a pack mule), a Toys ‘R’ Us with screaming, bratty children crawling the walls, a questionable looking sub sandwich place and an odd place with blacked out windows called Fangtasia.
I had no idea what this ‘Fangtasia’ was, but it had to beat the stifling Louisiana heat. I made my way to the almost foreboding entrance and took stock of the front. A huge red neon sign was alight with the store’s name, the front door was heavy and black and there were heavy red curtains (were those velvet?!) hung in the windows surrounding the door. And that’s how I found myself trapped in a seemingly neverending sea of books.
I saw a bar along one side sporting a huge complicated coffee type machine, the kind you always see in fancy schmancy places that sell a cup of coffee for like $7. No idea what people see in places like that. Coffee is coffee. And if the beans aren’t good (and they usually weren’t in those places) then no matter what you pump into it, the coffees gonna taste like shit. Maybe that’s indicative of the people who buy it.
I shrugged restlessly as I kept scanning the bar area, seeing a computer and a tablet propped up with a case at the other end. Scattered in and amongst the mish mash of shelves containing what looked like an impressively diverse selection of books were couches. And chairs. And coffee tables.
All of it looked like it had been scavenged from estate and garage sales. Must be how people around here spend their weekends. Towards the back there was also a metal spiral staircase leading somewhere up into the dusty heavens of the second story, although the red velvet rope tied across it seemed to be a clear warning to stay away.
Not seeing any sign of life, which struck me as being just as fortunate as I’d managed to get, I settled into a surprisingly comfortable chair nestled into a nook towards the back. Grabbing a book off the shelf near my head, I scanned the title. ‘The Element Encyclopedia of Magical Creatures’. Huh.
This Place was just getting weirder and weirder. However, it is Louisiana, so…
Stretching my legs out in front of me and propping them on a coffee table that I was surprised held their weight, I opened the book to somewhere in the middle and began to lightly flip through the pages.
I hadn’t realize that I’d fallen asleep. My only hint the fact that I had drool running down my cheek when I woke up to the blaring of the cell phone in my pocket. I jolted upright, sending the heavy book on my lap skittering under the table in front of me.
Okay, that didn’t come from my phone. I quickly scrambled in my pocket and silenced the ringer (you’re so vain, courtesy of Pam’s meddling).
“I just heard your phone go off, so I know you’re in here.”
The voice was delicious. I’d never heard a voice so…decadent and sultry. The lilting cadence nearly hypnotized me.
“Listen, I’ve been in here for almost an hour, so either you have too and you’re skulking around like a creep or you’ve snuck in to do something underhanded. If it’s the latter then be warned, you’re gonna get your ass kicked.”
Okay, now my cock was springing to attention. I could just envision the goddess who was speaking. She’d be tall, maybe 5′ 8″. She’d have deep burgundy hair all the way down her back and she’d have the greenest eyes I’d ever seen surrounded by heavy, dark eye makeup. And she’d be dressed like something out of a Lara Croft movie, all black and skin tight…
Oh yes, my cock was up. I stood slowly and began creeping around the stacks of books, hoping to get a glimpse of the goddess I knew was lurking about.
I crept around a teetering pile of books and swiveled my head towards the bar again when I was met with a brilliantly swung baseball bat. Right in the crotch.
Squealing (yes, I admit, I squealed) in protest, I collapsed to my knees. Cupping my aching testicles, I glanced up at the person who apparently never wanted me to have kids.
“Serves you right, sneaking around here.”
She was nothing like I pictured her. First off, she was short. Like pixie-ish, tiny. Barely to my chest. Slim, but curvy in all the right places, her body was trying to make my body reawaken, but sadly Im pretty sure I’d be down for awhile. My eyes finally made it up her body.She was dressed in loose capri pants and a bright orange tank top, looking decidedly un-badass, despite the bat she was still gripping. And she was blonde. A brilliantly blinding shade of blonde-or maybe that was the lightbulb in the pendant lamp directly behind her head. Either way, she was glowing like something out of heaven…or a radioactive dump site. And her eyes, glaring straight into my soul and completely free of makeup, were a clear azure blue. I’m sure there was drool puddling somewhere on my chest once again and I thanked whatever gods were up there that I chose to wear a black shirt despite the heat.
“Well, are you going to get up?”
Shifting my face into whatever kind of glare I could muster, I silently raised myself up by the bar that was serendipitously situated right next to me.
Only, her eyes didn’t follow me up. Oh. Shit.
“Hello? Are you getting up?”
“I am up.”
Her head whipped up and her eyes stared straight through me once again.
“Yo-uh, really got me good there. I’m sorry, I came in to escape the heat while my sister shopped a few doors down and I fell asleep. My name’s Eric,” I held my hand out to her experimentally. Her eyes stayed focused up near my neck, not quite reaching my face.
“Nice to meet you Eric. My name is Sookie,” she nodded at me politely, though I could tell her heart wasn’t in it. I dropped my hand quietly.
The bell signaling someone coming in made both our heads shoot towards the door. The click of high heels carried into the room, preceding their owners.
“Amelia? And…who else? No one else we know wears heels,” her nose scrunched up as she tried to work through the stores occupants in her head.
“Hey Sook,” a willowy brunette followed by my sister rounded the corner and nearly collided with me. “Oh, sorry. You must be Eric. I see you’ve already met Sookie, here.”
“Yes, we were just getting introduced,” Sookie swung the bat she still had in her hand and Amelia ducked as it went slightly wide.
“Watch it Jackie Mitchell. I brought someone to meet you,” Amelia grabbed Pam’s hand gently and guided it to Sookie’s. “This is Pam. She’s Eric’s sister and my newly found best client.”
“Nice to meet you Sookie,” Pam was uncharacteristically polite, and I scoffed.
“Do you have something to add, sir? Or would you like another hit?” Sookie’s eyebrow arched menacingly.
“How would you aim, huh? Three blind mice guiding your way?” I asked cruelly, my balls still aching.
Amelia and Pam gasped while Sookie’s eyebrows furrowed. “Get the fuck out of my shop.”
Taken aback, I stood dumbly where I was. “Excuse me? You can’t kick me out.”
She took another step towards me, brandishing her bat again. “Like fuck I can’t. I have the right to refuse service to anyone at any time for any reason. If you don’t get out I’ll use my bat for much more than batting practice.”
Pam glared at me. “Are you quite finished harassing the locals Eric? Seems like if you want a good reputation in this area, you may want to befriend local business people, not alienate them.”
I rolled my eyes. I don’t know how I ever lived without her helpful advice.
“Oh, you’re trying to start a business?” Amelia asked, pausing slightly to take the bat from the psycho’s hand.
“Eventually, yes. We owned a bar in upstate New York before we moved down. I think we’ll eventually want to do something similar, but we’re taking our time figuring it out,” Pam explained as I leaned back on the counter, eyeing Amelia up and down. Now, she was more what I pictured when I heard Sookie’s voice and my cock was slowly trying to rise to the occasion. her eyebrow arched sardonically as she caught my eye.
“Keep your eyes moving Thor. I’m much more interested in what your sister’s packing than what you are. Ugh…entirely too hairy,” a slight shudder ran down her spine before her eyes cut over to Pam.
“Are you still here fuckwad? I told you to get out of my shop!”
Her small stature and obvious disability were exceedingly deceptive since she all but flashed in front of me, getting right in my face. Still she was facing down my neck, which only made me chuckle.
Well, until she punched me in the throat.
I gagged and sputtered as I fell to my knees once again, particularly thankful for the fluffy rug in front of the counter. Without any further ado, she grabbed a fistful of my hair, yanking me backwards.
Her progress might have been slow, due to having to tread carefully and lugging my nearly entire body mass of dead weight, but she was one determined bitch. Every few seconds she’d readjust her grip, pulling out what felt like pieces of my scalp.She kicked the door open, letting it bounce back to knock into my head as I tried to stagger to my feet.
“Don’t ever fucking show your face in my shop, bastard!” she huffed out a sigh as Pam and Amelia appeared behind her, “Pam, you are welcome back anytime you like.”
My bitch of a sister just giggled and pulled Sookie into a startled hug.
“Oh, you can bet your fine ass I’ll be back. I think you’ll be interesting to have around.”
I grumbled as Pam walloped me on the back of the head as she walked by. Amelia grabbed Sookie and gently pulled her back to stand in the doorway, watching us go. I shook my head as I followed Pam towards my car.
Crazy fucking bitch. God, I hate moving.